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First catch your albatross. This is easily achieved by leaving scraps of food on the deck, waiting for the albatross to arrive, then throwing a heavy shoe at it. Dutch wooden clogs are particularly effective.

Killing an albatross is very bad luck, especially for the albatross but also for you. The mere possession of a deceased albatross is unlucky. This is why you should eat it as soon as possible.

After paying our respects to the now dead former inhabitant of the air, let us make sure we:
 . are on a slim, seaworthy vessel. Even a tubby boat will do. OK, even just sitting in your bathtub will be ok, but we must be on water.
 . have a well seasoned, high quality cast iron skillet, filled with seawater - what do you mean, you don't have seawater?
 . have a handful of rock salt and fresh herbs including laurel leaves, majoram, mint, basil, and petit lóreaubey (only the seeds).

Carefully soak the flayed, gutted, de-beaked, de-feeted albatross in the water with salt. This is to remove the fishy taste. Let the bird carcass float in the gory water for 12 hours. Meanwhile, keep steering your slim, seaworthy vessel. Or your bathtub.

After this time, throw away the bird-water. Place the albatross in more water and salt. Repeat the process at least three times.

Place the albatross in the skillet, add some butter and aromatic herbs. Lightly sautée, add some ox-broth, and let simmer for three hours.

When the simmering is done, take the bird out of the skillet, and throw the cooking liquid overboard (it tastes like rotten fish, and it also has laxative properties, a visiting captain assured me from personal experience). While you are at it, throw the skillet overboard, since the rotten fish taste will never come off. At this point, also throw the albatross overboard, since it still tastes like rotten fish.

If you have enjoyed this recipe, or if you have not enjoyed it and wish to dispose of an albatross other than by cooking, please contact the author:

Señor Juan Hacepoco, Apothecary
Santa Inês
Los Barbados
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